Parish News - Bishop Peter, Deacon Graeme and more...

I arrived back from my latest trip to the American colonies to find the the Vicars latest newsletter, “Try News” on the welcome mat.

Much of the expensively produced, glossy newsletter is taken up with comment and news on organisational issues, much of which comes from Bishop Peter. His grasp of English is slipping though for a man who spends so much time on international matters – on page-3 in his introduction, he tells us that the activities of the parishioners are “well talked about”.

On page-6 we learn some details about Bishop Peters hopes to get Sister Sarah elected as Pope at the 4-yearly conclave. This will be particularly difficult as Pope Les is still alive and runs the elections better than the Japanese run the International Whaling Commission. The Whaling commission has countries like Switzerland, Austria and Hungary as members. The observant will notice that these are land-locked countries, they have no seashore. The same is true for a number of other members of the commission; interestingly Japan has been funding economic development in some of these land-locked countries and many of them unsurprisingly vote to allow whaling, along with Japan.

You might ask what this has do with Pope Les and the Church of three disciplines? Well, Pope Les has certainly been spreading the Gospel of Multi-sport in recent years. Countries like Andorra, Aruba, Bangladesh, Colombia and others all have voting rights when the conclave comes together to vote for the next Pope. Yet many have never run a tri-service and have no notable preachers. Still, I suspect their votes will be secured by the candidate that offers them the best chance of improving on their current status.

Speaking of which, Norman the Church Warden, in his role of uber-editor of the newsletter seems to have forgotten to include Sister Sarahs’ plans for future services and what she will do to spread the Gospel and recruit Missionaries, boost collections etc. Still, something to look forward to in the next issue perhaps?

In the Face to Face section, Bishop Peter interviews Brother Simon about his resettlement in the colonies and his conversion to the Church of the WTC. Unfortunately once again, space restrictions meant Bishop Peters questions about why Brother Simon doesn’t agree with the WCPP philosophy or why Brother Simon didn’t attend the seminary selection process for a chance to preach from the Olympus pulpit were left out. Still Brother Simon, who has been in impressive form this year, obviously owes Bishop Peter, they manage to get the customary dig against Pope Les in in the last few questions. They also leave open the possibility of Sister Sarah anointing Brother Simon if she becomes Pope!

The Olympus seminary is covered in depth starting on page-12. We are treated to a repeat of Sister Michelle problems with other Sisters trying to remove her habit during the Olympus seminary. Sadly no picture is included to show just how difficult this is, after all no one is supposed to get into a Nuns habit! Obviously the article was written before it became common knowledge that both Sister Julie and Sister Jodie were both not fit to participate as they are described as “Both looked to be Britains strongest hope” and that they “obviously spent their energy on the bikes”.

However, last word is left, as always, to the imagination of Deacon Graeme. As many of us know, Deacon Graeme is having more than his fair share of problems. Not only was his imagination in overdrive before the Olympus seminary, when he was claiming everything except the second coming, but he has also had problems running the Church budget. Many of our top preachers will not be able to do warm weather winter training this year, instead they’ll have to stay home as collections have been spent elsewhere. If rumours are to be believed, it is good news though for the Church orthodontists. For the first time, Church of three disciplines paid for one of its’ top performers to get their teeth fixed, obviously a vital condition when spreading the word. Deacon Graemes’ problems were not helped by his extensive travel, Word reaches us that he was able to take a 4-week holiday in Australia after flying out there for a 1-hour meeting with one of the preachers. So that’s all right then.

Still, back to Deacon Graeme’s ramblings in the newsletter. He tells us that the British Orthodox Association(BOxA) are looking into the problems he had with the Olympus seminary and he shouldn’t comment further. Deacon Graeme feels though that “effort, tactics and tools” stood out and that only in tools did we come up short. Obviously the Brothers and Sisters won’t object to be referred to as Tools, after all they are weapons in the fight with the infidels. The only other view is that the Deacon has also suffered a loss of memory and has forgotten that he selected the injured Sister Jodie. Still I’m sure the detail will be forgotten and whitewashed over when the Church is repainted in the Spring.

Still, the rest is all goodness and light in the garden and the rest of the newsletter includes pictures and reports from the parishioners.

Norman the Church Warden has planted the seeds, and assuming we have good roots then everything in the garden will be fine(1). Sadly we only get an indirect vote on the Church Wardens tennure when we can re-elect Bishop Peter on December 12th at the Church synod. Still we wish the Church Warden all the best in the future in his work with the good people from UK Spiritualism and his search for an Out-of-body Experience: (acronym OBE?)

With due deference to St Albion Parish News, Private Eye
(1) Chance the Gardener, Being there!
(2) http://www.trinews.com/
(Anonymous)
What is it a bad workman blames?
The Lord may work in mysterious ways but this is too weird even for him, the Devil finding work for idle hands perhaps.
(Anonymous)
in the same way that people love to read about celebrities having a hard time in the gutter press because their own lives are so meaningless and empty, in the smaller world of triathlon people who don't have the faintest idea what they are talking about like to pretend that they are some kind of big shot who's been there, done it and would, of course, be able to do it all better. The main question that enters my mind is how do people find time to come up with this kind of garbage and why do they think anyone gives a toss what they think anyway
You might think. Its a shame you didn't at least give your name... remember, in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.

Given the outrageous allegations that have been made over the past 3-months, the number of people that are upset, including obviously you, there must be some truth to at least the sentiment, if not the content. The problem is no one believes anything we are told anymore becuase there has been so much obfuscation and what people believe are deliberate attempts to hide things which really ought to be easily explained and justified.

I have no need for people to think I'm a big shot, and I would not claim to be able to do it better...
Well said
(Anonymous)
It is about time that British Triathlon, came clean with the members about what is going on. The last thing I want is to be associated with an organisation who won't tell its member what is really going on and expects us to just sit back and accept this. If they truly believe in promoting the sport then they need to be open and honest.

Great article.
Re: Well said
(Anonymous)
its hard to imagine what was being complained about. maybe you got a few facts wrong when talking about Deacon Graeme, but otherwise this is exactly how much of us see it.